Letters to Our Daughters November 2012

This is my first letter in a series called, ‘Letters to my Daughter’, published on the 10th of every month.

Dear Cecilia,

My fourth baby. Everyone told me I should be an old hand at this, after all having three babies prior, I seriously and confidently assumed I had seen it all. I envisioned a nice, easy, quick and natural labor…I saw myself handling my life, my small children’s lives with ease…after all, I knew what to expect. I also felt with certainty you were a ‘he’…

After all of our birth plans went out the window and 47 hours, you arrived peacefully and we joyfully discovered another daughter in our lives. Your siblings cheered with joy on the phone.

 

Only hours old I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong but being an experienced mother, the nurses and I poo-pooed the concerns. Only a week later you were fighting for your life. For the first time I questioned all my abilities as a mother, my instincts were telling me the opposite of what the doctors and nurses were prescribing and I followed.

Sitting in that hospital room, 3am in the morning, I felt lost. I was homesick, I was heartsick over the situation and I felt as if I didn’t know you. All you could do was lay in that hospital bed, I felt as if we were losing time and had lost those moments of bonding. I felt immense guilt as if I had failed you in some way. I couldn’t make you better, our families were frustrated and everyday brought new doctors who suggested new solutions.

What I did do in the hospital was pray. I prayed for you, I prayed for me, I waited and you waited. Bringing you home was more exciting then your first homecoming! I even went out and bought you another new coming home outfit. You may have been the fourth but a second homecoming was a first!

Once at home, you grew stronger each day and we finally found our rhythm. Slowly we reintroduced ourselves and became better acquainted.

I knew you were a fighter and a cuddler but in the past month I have found you have a sense of humor and are terribly ticklish, you have a temper and hate to be burped because you feel the food should flow constantly.

As I stare at your long eyelashes (which you obviously did not inherited from me), big blue eyes and long feet (which we tease you about)…I wonder for your future. I know it will be bright, I know you have a few little obstacles, no more then some but too many for me, I know you will be my baby longer then your brothers and sister were.  For now I will enjoy this special time; how your eyes light up when you recognize me, your big smiles and coos which melt my heart, how you instinctively snuggle against me and your sweet baby smell. I could stare at your for hours, your total perfectness and marvel at you; my little miracle, my little daughter.

 

If you enjoyed this you can go to my friend Heather Meyer’s blog at Heather Meyer Photography to read her ‘Letters to my Daughter’