Dearest Kathleen,
You are my first daughter. I have dreamed about you since, I was small. I always assumed I would have a little daughter, I never once questioned that statement.
I wanted that same bond I have with my mother and my sisters, who I adore.
I was so sure of you in my life that I saved my prized China Dolls, saved my favorite pink stuffed cat my Mom brought from Dallas back to Canada. My mother had faith that I would have a daughter and saved numerous dolls and ALL of the Barbies my sisters and I owned. Before you were born there were treasured items waiting for you.
When I discovered I was pregnant I dreamed of my daughter, I picked out pink bonnets and never entertained that the baby growing in my belly was anything but my daughter! When the technician told us it was your brother Peter, I wept. Not because it was a boy but I mourned the daughter that was not to be. My second pregnancy brought another boy and I wept again, wondering when I would meet you. How I love your brothers!! I would never trade them for a hundred girls:) But I began to wonder if I was destined to be the mother of sweet little boys, a mother who was learning about trucks and the wonders of mud.
The third pregnancy was hard, morning sickness claimed me as a victim the entire pregnancy…my mother kept saying only a daughter would do this to her mother! I was convinced that this child was a boy and I dreamed of another blued eyed boy and I placed blue sleepers into the dresser but my mother carefully washed frilly pink dresses and soft pink sweaters that I once wore many moons ago in Germany.
We decided to not find out the gender this time…I couldn’t bear the shame of my sadness finding out it was another boy but I knew that at the moment my baby arrived boy or girl I wouldn’t care. When your father declared, “I think it’s a GIRL.” I cried tears of happiness and disbelief. As did your aunts and grandparents. A girl! A daughter! How long we waited for you!
Now we cannot imagine our lives without you. I love how you think you are a princess. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. I have more fun shopping for your Christmas presents. I love sitting with you pouring over the Sears Wish Book, staring at this year’s Holiday Barbie. When you sit on my bed and have your hair braided, pig tailed or curled I feel a certain completion in my life, even when you whine I caught a knot. Painting your chubby toes chokes me up.
Don’t tell your father but I like the drama you bring to the house. I love you have feelings. You make your brothers realize they have to be a little more sensitive and words DO hurt…because you won’t let them get away with anything. Someday, when they are grown they will be good husbands and that will be in part thanks to you.
I know your father swells with pride watching you play hockey in your little pink helmet. Anything the boys can do, you are determined that you can too and you always manage to somehow keep up.
Watching you with your little sister makes my heart swell. I know you are thankful to have another girl in the house, you will now have someone to play Barbies with, someone to play dolls with and someone who will understand a little more then a brother.
I have waited so long for you, you were worth the wait, you were not what I expected and yet, you were so much more.
Letter to Our Daughters is a Project by 12 photographers from ClickinMoms. If you enjoyed my letter, you will enjoy the next letter in this month’s series by Gretchen, visit her letter on her site Gretchen Willis Photography
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