I struggled to find the right title for this post because of the pain, I kept thinking of my wounded heart. As any mother my love for my children runs through my blood and their triumphs and struggles are felt deeply.
Parenting is hard, and once upon a time I thought that statement was referring to the pregnancy, delivery, sleepless night and aching back from carrying them around. I thought it was hard when they threw tantrums in public places, misbehaved when they knew better and embarrassed me in a thousand different ways. I thought parenting was hard when I would see the cost of sports and the destruction they could do to a clean house in minutes. I thought parenting was hard the first time two kids took stomach flu and I realized *I* had to clean up that mess.
However, my journey of motherhood took a little detour from my mother’s and I had to travel down a different road my my oldest son, Peter, and his diagnosis of autism. I cannot say it is a lonely path, as my husband and our families have been beside me every step. But I was navigating a different path of parenthood. I was feeling a heartbreak for a child who struggles with daily life and a level of helplessness.
I have watched him battle through this disorder, I have watched him break down barriers and I have watched him paralyzed within his own mind. I have raged against this disorder, I have felt bitter, angry, hopeful, exasperated and we have seen the beauty and humour.
There are days when the autism rules our life and other days we forget it exists, it is our normal.
This month, our family was shaken with the formal diagnosis of why little Cecilia isn’t speaking like others her age. Why she sometimes gets a little ‘quirky’. Why the tantrums were getting worse, more frequent.
After many hours, many tests, many doctors and specialists we were told that we will be travelling down a familiar road as she is also autistic.
Sitting there with those kind and sympathetic women who had to break this news to me…I kept praying they would tell me she was just needing more speech therapy and maybe I was hyper-focused on a diagnosis because of my oldest and maybe being too sensitive to funny little personality traits. I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach and when the words were spoken it was painful but at the same time thankful we had an answer.
We know this road, we know it is not easy. There will be many challenges, bumps and achievements. Now we begin the path of finding the right therapies, finding the right tools and helping her with her world.
On days when she shuts down and doesn’t even grunt or yell a response, I know she is in there struggling to get out. I know in familiar and happy environments she blossoms and babbles and will gift us with a word or two (and then not say it again for many months but it is in there!).
Cecilia is funny and brilliant. She is sweet and challenging. She is loud and yet doesn’t say a word. She can communicate in her own way, we just don’t always understand.
As a mother I am shattered. Two of my five children are autistic. Two are special needs. I always gets asked, ‘How do you do it?’ Honestly, you just do. Laundry still needs to be washed, breakfasts made, fights to be broken up, babies to be cuddled. I try to remind myself it could be worse but for a little while we will grieve as a family while we absorb our new reality.
We will be okay. Every day we will get up as a family, go to work and school, suppers will be cooked, books read and movies watched. Our family is still our perfect family. Two of our children just happen to be autistic.
Oh Carla, you write so beautifully. Your kids are so lucky to have you in their corner, as I know a lot of families crumble under similar circumstances… That photo of Celia is so beautiful and dreamy! I feel like it gives a glimpse into her little world, too. Thanks for sharing your heart. <3
God Bless you and yours, that was a sad but uplifting read….you are a good woman and a blessed Mother….hugs
Carla It pains me to read your post . I too know how it feels to be told that your child has Autism. Even though I too knew deep down inside that my child was Autistic its that moment when you are told the diagnosis that your whole being goes into a feeling of hopelessness. I remember driving home and crying as I drove thinking how and what am I going to do to help my son..That day I prayed for God to place in my life people who could help and I promised him I would be the best mom I could be to this special boy he had blessed me with. My prayers have been answered over the past 17 years. I have had many people involved in my sons learning with a lot of success. I always willed myself to think about today not tomorrow because tomorrow would always overwhelm me ..Not saying I haven’t silently cried late at night when I would lay beside my son watching him sleep like an angel. It has been quite a journey that I would never wish away. My son has inspired all that have come in contact with him, he is truly loved by so many . These children of ours would never know how to hurt another human being because of their God given innocence. Two years ago my son out of the blue said to me “.Mom, do you remember when I couldn’t talk?” , and I said,” Yes,”. he said
“I didn’t have the words to be able to talk to you “. This was quite amazing that he could remember this because he would have been five when his speech started. Today my son is in Grade 11 and has been on the honor roll since grade 9. Hes had a lot of catching up to do since his non verbal days . I know how a wounded heart feels like and as time goes on you will truly be inspired by Autism. When my son graduates next year I would be honored to hire you to do his Grad Photo’s as I feel you could capture his beautiful soul. Thank you for reaching out such a beautiful picture of your daughter!!!! Really made my heart melt as you’ve captured the Beauty of Autism!!!!