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For over nine years I had a shadow, a buddy, a best friend. Where I walked in the house, he was a step away. When I worked as a dog groomer, he came to work with me daily. We travelled together, we walked together, we took quite a few naps together. I was one of the only standard poodle owners in my town and I am proud that he represented his breed beautifully. He was graceful and friendly. Smart as a whip, well trained, loved to please and could make us laugh with his goofy antics. He knew that babies and small little yorkies required gentleness not custom with large breeds. He joined our family when we had one baby and he eagerly treated the next four.  He knew that he could produce belly laughs from toddlers when he would sit and push toy cars for them. He would patiently march behind a little girl, on a leash knowing, she was glowing because she was ‘walking the dog’. The day our autistic son ran away he sat under a tree in the yard pleading with us and we stupidly ignored him…only to discover an hour later our son was indeed up (two stories) in that tree.  Every meal was eaten with him a few feet away, every morning he greeted us and every evening he said goodnight. The only time he would misbehave was when I would be away for a few days whether from hospital stays or travel for work but the moment I returned he would right himself.

He wagged his tail when we told him about about the new house, the big yard, the room he would have to run around and stretch his legs. One week in September, we talked about going that Saturday so he could see this dream home. he wagged his tail politely and went to lay back on his bed. He had been quieter that week and had developed a cough on Wednesday. So, a vet appointment was made. Crosby never did see the new house he passed away on Thursday from an aggressive cancer.

It took severals days to even bring myself to pick up his leash, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever pick up after him again.

‘Heartbroken’

I posted this image to the CMPro Daily Project, a way of expressing my grief and connecting with hundreds of other dog lovers. It is an image that still brings tears to my eyes.

Months have passed, we have moved and life has moved forward and the ache is duller, we laugh about his antics and how he enriched our lives.

A few days ago I saw the link for the 30 Most Popular Photos on the CM Daily Project and this photo was there, out of 8000 other photos from incredible photographers. I am proud, I am sad, it is a bittersweet moment.

It is one last gift from a  dear friend.

For over nine years I had a shadow, a buddy, a best friend. Where I walked in the house, he was a step away. When I worked as a dog groomer, he came to work with me daily. We travelled together, we walked together, we took quite a few naps together. I was one of the only standard poodle owners in my town and I am proud that he represented his breed beautifully. He was graceful and friendly. Smart as a whip, well trained, loved to please and could make us laugh with his goofy antics. He knew that babies and small little yorkies required gentleness not custom with large breeds. He joined our family when we had one baby and he eagerly treated the next four.  He knew that he could produce belly laughs from toddlers when he would sit and push toy cars for them. He would patiently march behind a little girl, on a leash knowing, she was glowing because she was ‘walking the dog’. The day our autistic son ran away he sat under a tree in the yard pleading with us and we stupidly ignored him…only to discover an hour later our son was indeed up (two stories) in that tree.  Every meal was eaten with him a few feet away, every morning he greeted us and every evening he said goodnight. The only time he would misbehave was when I would be away for a few days whether from hospital stays or travel for work but the moment I returned he would right himself.

He wagged his tail when we told him about about the new house, the big yard, the room he would have to run around and stretch his legs. One week in September, we talked about going that Saturday so he could see this dream home. he wagged his tail politely and went to lay back on his bed. He had been quieter that week and had developed a cough on Wednesday. So, a vet appointment was made. Crosby never did see the new house he passed away on Thursday from an aggressive cancer.

It took severals days to even bring myself to pick up his leash, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever pick up after him again.

‘Heartbroken’

I posted this image to the CMPro Daily Project, a way of expressing my grief and connecting with hundreds of other dog lovers. It is an image that still brings tears to my eyes.

Months have passed, we have moved and life has moved forward and the ache is duller, we laugh about his antics and how he enriched our lives.

A few days ago I saw the link for the 30 Most Popular Photos on the CM Daily Project and this photo was there, out of 8000 other photos from incredible photographers. I am proud, I am sad, it is a bittersweet moment.

It is one last gift from a  dear friend.

No words can describe the horror that the city of Moncton is facing at this moment.

Many of my clients work in law enforcement and my thoughts and prayers are with them and their families, for selflessly putting themselves in harm’s way, each day for our safety.

No words can describe the horror that the city of Moncton is facing at this moment.

Many of my clients work in law enforcement and my thoughts and prayers are with them and their families, for selflessly putting themselves in harm’s way, each day for our safety.

I know I will be looking back as this year as a year of change.

Kathleen blithely started school, the boys are loosing their baby chubbiness and I can see the bones of adulthood starting to show in Peter’s almost 10 year old face.  I find myself having to explain adult subjects like drugs and violence to the older three because they are no longer blissfully unaware of what is going on in the world.

Josh has changed careers. My career has been growing slowly to include a studio in the city and seeing my work published in several magazines.

Our little house, that would bought when Peter was a baby, that we have renovated, that we have celebrated every single holiday in; is now for sale and a new house is being bought. A larger house, a ‘dream’ house. A house our kids will have space to play, Josh and I will have room to entertain friends and family.

We are expecting another little one, with the realization that this will probably be the last baby for our family.

Cecilia is growing and developing to the beat of her own drum and teaching us to enjoy each day, to take things slower.

I look back over these past ten years and realized how much I have changed as a mother, wife and person. I was 23 when my name changed from Carla to Mom and now I am 33.  I used to think that I had no identity outside of my children or careers. There were many times I had felt lost in my roles. And yet somewhere along the journey I did find myself.  My hobby and ‘me’ time is my photography and my favourite subjects are my children. I am blessed to be able to document their days and moments. These past ten years have flown by so fast, and seeing that my boys now take the same size shoes as I do is a testament to this fact.

I have learned to slow down, calm down and worry a little less. Tantrums in stores don’t even phase me anymore. I have learned I need to fight and push to make sure my son’s special needs are met. I have learned that life is sweeter if we all grab a quilt, pile on the couch (yes, 6 people on ONE couch) watch a movie and ignore the pile of laundry. The laundry will be there tomorrow but my kids will be a bit bigger and that couch feels like it is getting smaller and smaller.

I have learned that I don’t need to throw Pinterest worthy birthday parties to make my kid’s lives magical, I just need to turn off their cartoons and tell them to go play.

Motherhood is hard, is beautiful, it is bittersweet and it ends too soon. My goal is to teach my children to find happiness and love. Two gifts they have given me.

I know I will be looking back as this year as a year of change.

Kathleen blithely started school, the boys are loosing their baby chubbiness and I can see the bones of adulthood starting to show in Peter’s almost 10 year old face.  I find myself having to explain adult subjects like drugs and violence to the older three because they are no longer blissfully unaware of what is going on in the world.

Josh has changed careers. My career has been growing slowly to include a studio in the city and seeing my work published in several magazines.

Our little house, that would bought when Peter was a baby, that we have renovated, that we have celebrated every single holiday in; is now for sale and a new house is being bought. A larger house, a ‘dream’ house. A house our kids will have space to play, Josh and I will have room to entertain friends and family.

We are expecting another little one, with the realization that this will probably be the last baby for our family.

Cecilia is growing and developing to the beat of her own drum and teaching us to enjoy each day, to take things slower.

I look back over these past ten years and realized how much I have changed as a mother, wife and person. I was 23 when my name changed from Carla to Mom and now I am 33.  I used to think that I had no identity outside of my children or careers. There were many times I had felt lost in my roles. And yet somewhere along the journey I did find myself.  My hobby and ‘me’ time is my photography and my favourite subjects are my children. I am blessed to be able to document their days and moments. These past ten years have flown by so fast, and seeing that my boys now take the same size shoes as I do is a testament to this fact.

I have learned to slow down, calm down and worry a little less. Tantrums in stores don’t even phase me anymore. I have learned I need to fight and push to make sure my son’s special needs are met. I have learned that life is sweeter if we all grab a quilt, pile on the couch (yes, 6 people on ONE couch) watch a movie and ignore the pile of laundry. The laundry will be there tomorrow but my kids will be a bit bigger and that couch feels like it is getting smaller and smaller.

I have learned that I don’t need to throw Pinterest worthy birthday parties to make my kid’s lives magical, I just need to turn off their cartoons and tell them to go play.

Motherhood is hard, is beautiful, it is bittersweet and it ends too soon. My goal is to teach my children to find happiness and love. Two gifts they have given me.

You never know how blessed you truly are until you are faced with the worst news. We never knew. Cecilia taught us. Our fourth baby and second daughter was born after 2 days of labor. We had no idea of the gender and were thrilled of another little girl. Choosing a name this time was hard, we had thought and planned for a boy and barely gave much thought to a girl’s name (which was foolish since we didn’t know the gender and it was an obvious 50% of either gender). My husband finally typed her name on the phone Cecilia Elizabeth and we brought home a sweet  pink little girl with the daintiest and quaintest name.

Within days of arriving home there was a sinking feeling in our stomachs. Something was not right. We kept going back to the doctor and the doctor looked grave. We were sent to the hospital, seen by specialists and soon tubes and wires were keeping her alive. I refer to it as the time Cecilia and I moved into paediatrics and stayed for several weeks. She was fighting for her life and we were told there was no promise that she would come home with us. I never knew how blessed we were in regards to our children’s health. We have never had a sick child, never had to pray against the unknown. Friends and family came to support us.

Cecilia rallied and we soon brought her home for good. She was our happy and snuggly baby. I didn’t realize how much I missed that baby stage! She was also the first baby who was a ‘Daddy’s Girl’, she loved everyone but no one could soothe her quite like Daddy. Her day was spent with her eyes and ears on the front door, waiting for him to come home from work.

My new career as a photographer was still slowly growing, I was able to focus on my family when needed and felt I was achieving a glance between work and life that fit our lifestyle. I was enjoying motherhood, a new baby, busy little children too much to worry about the rate of growth (or lack of it) my business took.

You never know how blessed you truly are until you are faced with the worst news. We never knew. Cecilia taught us. Our fourth baby and second daughter was born after 2 days of labor. We had no idea of the gender and were thrilled of another little girl. Choosing a name this time was hard, we had thought and planned for a boy and barely gave much thought to a girl’s name (which was foolish since we didn’t know the gender and it was an obvious 50% of either gender). My husband finally typed her name on the phone Cecilia Elizabeth and we brought home a sweet  pink little girl with the daintiest and quaintest name.

Within days of arriving home there was a sinking feeling in our stomachs. Something was not right. We kept going back to the doctor and the doctor looked grave. We were sent to the hospital, seen by specialists and soon tubes and wires were keeping her alive. I refer to it as the time Cecilia and I moved into paediatrics and stayed for several weeks. She was fighting for her life and we were told there was no promise that she would come home with us. I never knew how blessed we were in regards to our children’s health. We have never had a sick child, never had to pray against the unknown. Friends and family came to support us.

Cecilia rallied and we soon brought her home for good. She was our happy and snuggly baby. I didn’t realize how much I missed that baby stage! She was also the first baby who was a ‘Daddy’s Girl’, she loved everyone but no one could soothe her quite like Daddy. Her day was spent with her eyes and ears on the front door, waiting for him to come home from work.

My new career as a photographer was still slowly growing, I was able to focus on my family when needed and felt I was achieving a glance between work and life that fit our lifestyle. I was enjoying motherhood, a new baby, busy little children too much to worry about the rate of growth (or lack of it) my business took.

One child home. One Mother home. The transition of being a stay at home Mom had its ups and downs. No more missed meetings at the school, no more worrying about juggling clients schedules so I could make it to the boys hockey games. My schedule revolved around them…and yet I found ways (hobbies!) to keep busy.

I sewed for Kathleen, I baked, we went for walks, I had bought a fancy camera and I was reading and learning how to use it better.

The year however felt LONG. I crafted and sold things at craft fairs. I snapped more pictures. Kathleen drove me crazy. Art the time I blamed it on her age, she was three turning four. She had been the easiest toddler and now she seemed to have danced to the other side of the spectrum and was plain and simple difficult! The more I thought about the ‘problem’ I was having with her constant whining and nagging me was she was BORED. I was BORED. She like to craft, she likes to draw, to learn, to keep busy. By giving her a project to do- a paint brush and a little paint, of scissors and glue…she was happy for hours. I realized I missed working, I missed having a business and began making plans again.

The boys were north in school, they would come home and tell me about their own little lives, their friends and games. Hockey filled our winters, soccer in the spring and summer. Like true siblings the three fought with each other constantly. I learned my children could argue about what colour the sky was just for the sake of arguing! This was a fun time for our family. Josh and I loved doing day adventures to different attractions in our province, we went on summer vacations, to fairs.  Every holiday was alive and the anticipation was felt in the air.

It was also a bit bittersweet, seeing that we no longer had any babies in the house. No more diapers, no more waking at night, in a sense we wondered if we were moving on to the next stage in our life…or maybe we would think of another little one?

One child home. One Mother home. The transition of being a stay at home Mom had its ups and downs. No more missed meetings at the school, no more worrying about juggling clients schedules so I could make it to the boys hockey games. My schedule revolved around them…and yet I found ways (hobbies!) to keep busy.

I sewed for Kathleen, I baked, we went for walks, I had bought a fancy camera and I was reading and learning how to use it better.

The year however felt LONG. I crafted and sold things at craft fairs. I snapped more pictures. Kathleen drove me crazy. Art the time I blamed it on her age, she was three turning four. She had been the easiest toddler and now she seemed to have danced to the other side of the spectrum and was plain and simple difficult! The more I thought about the ‘problem’ I was having with her constant whining and nagging me was she was BORED. I was BORED. She like to craft, she likes to draw, to learn, to keep busy. By giving her a project to do- a paint brush and a little paint, of scissors and glue…she was happy for hours. I realized I missed working, I missed having a business and began making plans again.

The boys were north in school, they would come home and tell me about their own little lives, their friends and games. Hockey filled our winters, soccer in the spring and summer. Like true siblings the three fought with each other constantly. I learned my children could argue about what colour the sky was just for the sake of arguing! This was a fun time for our family. Josh and I loved doing day adventures to different attractions in our province, we went on summer vacations, to fairs.  Every holiday was alive and the anticipation was felt in the air.

It was also a bit bittersweet, seeing that we no longer had any babies in the house. No more diapers, no more waking at night, in a sense we wondered if we were moving on to the next stage in our life…or maybe we would think of another little one?

My seventh year of motherhood I wanted it ALL…I wanted the career, I wanted ME time, I wanted to be a great Mom.

I was traveling for work, every 5-6 weeks I would fly out and be gone for nearly a week. My husband and family held down the fort. The stress of worrying about what was going on and at home balanced with the exhilaration of being Carla again. I loved my work, I loved meeting with colleagues, going to restaurants and not worrying about anyone’s behaviour, not sharing my meal, sleeping in a bed uninterrupted….

For the first time in my life I was on my own.  For the first time I only had to worry about myself. For the first part of the year I revelled selfishly in this little mini ‘break’ from motherhood and then the glitter fell away and I found myself homesick. Tired of the hotels that all looked the same. Tired of restaurant food. Tired of getting back from a busy day to call and only find out the kids had gone to bed already.  I was waking up at night, listening. My body and brain were waiting for the normal wake up of someone crying, needing a pacifier, a diaper change and drink…

I had so much time to myself, to think about what was really going on with my life. I wanted it all; the career and being Mom. I wanted to stay home and be there when they needed me but I like feeling important to the outside world too, I like having options and a little independence.  I realized that I COULD have it all but it also meant not giving the job or my kids 100%…or even 50/50…somedays the balance changes. There would be sacrifices and disappointments. There would always be someone else to judge my decisions.

And then it was over. An injury helped make a decision I knew was coming.  I would like to say I never looked back but I did but I don’t regret that year.

I had to add this picture…it just makes me laugh:)

My seventh year of motherhood I wanted it ALL…I wanted the career, I wanted ME time, I wanted to be a great Mom.

I was traveling for work, every 5-6 weeks I would fly out and be gone for nearly a week. My husband and family held down the fort. The stress of worrying about what was going on and at home balanced with the exhilaration of being Carla again. I loved my work, I loved meeting with colleagues, going to restaurants and not worrying about anyone’s behaviour, not sharing my meal, sleeping in a bed uninterrupted….

For the first time in my life I was on my own.  For the first time I only had to worry about myself. For the first part of the year I revelled selfishly in this little mini ‘break’ from motherhood and then the glitter fell away and I found myself homesick. Tired of the hotels that all looked the same. Tired of restaurant food. Tired of getting back from a busy day to call and only find out the kids had gone to bed already.  I was waking up at night, listening. My body and brain were waiting for the normal wake up of someone crying, needing a pacifier, a diaper change and drink…

I had so much time to myself, to think about what was really going on with my life. I wanted it all; the career and being Mom. I wanted to stay home and be there when they needed me but I like feeling important to the outside world too, I like having options and a little independence.  I realized that I COULD have it all but it also meant not giving the job or my kids 100%…or even 50/50…somedays the balance changes. There would be sacrifices and disappointments. There would always be someone else to judge my decisions.

And then it was over. An injury helped make a decision I knew was coming.  I would like to say I never looked back but I did but I don’t regret that year.

I had to add this picture…it just makes me laugh:)