January 23, 2015
I struggled to find the right title for this post because of the pain, I kept thinking of my wounded heart. As any mother my love for my children runs through my blood and their triumphs and struggles are felt deeply.
Parenting is hard, and once upon a time I thought that statement was referring to the pregnancy, delivery, sleepless night and aching back from carrying them around. I thought it was hard when they threw tantrums in public places, misbehaved when they knew better and embarrassed me in a thousand different ways. I thought parenting was hard when I would see the cost of sports and the destruction they could do to a clean house in minutes. I thought parenting was hard the first time two kids took stomach flu and I realized *I* had to clean up that mess.
However, my journey of motherhood took a little detour from my mother’s and I had to travel down a different road my my oldest son, Peter, and his diagnosis of autism. I cannot say it is a lonely path, as my husband and our families have been beside me every step. But I was navigating a different path of parenthood. I was feeling a heartbreak for a child who struggles with daily life and a level of helplessness.
I have watched him battle through this disorder, I have watched him break down barriers and I have watched him paralyzed within his own mind. I have raged against this disorder, I have felt bitter, angry, hopeful, exasperated and we have seen the beauty and humour.
There are days when the autism rules our life and other days we forget it exists, it is our normal.
This month, our family was shaken with the formal diagnosis of why little Cecilia isn’t speaking like others her age. Why she sometimes gets a little ‘quirky’. Why the tantrums were getting worse, more frequent.
After many hours, many tests, many doctors and specialists we were told that we will be travelling down a familiar road as she is also autistic.
Sitting there with those kind and sympathetic women who had to break this news to me…I kept praying they would tell me she was just needing more speech therapy and maybe I was hyper-focused on a diagnosis because of my oldest and maybe being too sensitive to funny little personality traits. I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach and when the words were spoken it was painful but at the same time thankful we had an answer.
We know this road, we know it is not easy. There will be many challenges, bumps and achievements. Now we begin the path of finding the right therapies, finding the right tools and helping her with her world.
On days when she shuts down and doesn’t even grunt or yell a response, I know she is in there struggling to get out. I know in familiar and happy environments she blossoms and babbles and will gift us with a word or two (and then not say it again for many months but it is in there!).
Cecilia is funny and brilliant. She is sweet and challenging. She is loud and yet doesn’t say a word. She can communicate in her own way, we just don’t always understand.
As a mother I am shattered. Two of my five children are autistic. Two are special needs. I always gets asked, ‘How do you do it?’ Honestly, you just do. Laundry still needs to be washed, breakfasts made, fights to be broken up, babies to be cuddled. I try to remind myself it could be worse but for a little while we will grieve as a family while we absorb our new reality.
We will be okay. Every day we will get up as a family, go to work and school, suppers will be cooked, books read and movies watched. Our family is still our perfect family. Two of our children just happen to be autistic.
I struggled to find the right title for this post because of the pain, I kept thinking of my wounded heart. As any mother my love for my children runs through my blood and their triumphs and struggles are felt deeply.
Parenting is hard, and once upon a time I thought that statement was referring to the pregnancy, delivery, sleepless night and aching back from carrying them around. I thought it was hard when they threw tantrums in public places, misbehaved when they knew better and embarrassed me in a thousand different ways. I thought parenting was hard when I would see the cost of sports and the destruction they could do to a clean house in minutes. I thought parenting was hard the first time two kids took stomach flu and I realized *I* had to clean up that mess.
However, my journey of motherhood took a little detour from my mother’s and I had to travel down a different road my my oldest son, Peter, and his diagnosis of autism. I cannot say it is a lonely path, as my husband and our families have been beside me every step. But I was navigating a different path of parenthood. I was feeling a heartbreak for a child who struggles with daily life and a level of helplessness.
I have watched him battle through this disorder, I have watched him break down barriers and I have watched him paralyzed within his own mind. I have raged against this disorder, I have felt bitter, angry, hopeful, exasperated and we have seen the beauty and humour.
There are days when the autism rules our life and other days we forget it exists, it is our normal.
This month, our family was shaken with the formal diagnosis of why little Cecilia isn’t speaking like others her age. Why she sometimes gets a little ‘quirky’. Why the tantrums were getting worse, more frequent.
After many hours, many tests, many doctors and specialists we were told that we will be travelling down a familiar road as she is also autistic.
Sitting there with those kind and sympathetic women who had to break this news to me…I kept praying they would tell me she was just needing more speech therapy and maybe I was hyper-focused on a diagnosis because of my oldest and maybe being too sensitive to funny little personality traits. I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach and when the words were spoken it was painful but at the same time thankful we had an answer.
We know this road, we know it is not easy. There will be many challenges, bumps and achievements. Now we begin the path of finding the right therapies, finding the right tools and helping her with her world.
On days when she shuts down and doesn’t even grunt or yell a response, I know she is in there struggling to get out. I know in familiar and happy environments she blossoms and babbles and will gift us with a word or two (and then not say it again for many months but it is in there!).
Cecilia is funny and brilliant. She is sweet and challenging. She is loud and yet doesn’t say a word. She can communicate in her own way, we just don’t always understand.
As a mother I am shattered. Two of my five children are autistic. Two are special needs. I always gets asked, ‘How do you do it?’ Honestly, you just do. Laundry still needs to be washed, breakfasts made, fights to be broken up, babies to be cuddled. I try to remind myself it could be worse but for a little while we will grieve as a family while we absorb our new reality.
We will be okay. Every day we will get up as a family, go to work and school, suppers will be cooked, books read and movies watched. Our family is still our perfect family. Two of our children just happen to be autistic.
January 23, 2015
January 23, 2015
I struggled to find the right title for this post because of the pain, I kept thinking of my wounded heart. As any mother my love for my children runs through my blood and their triumphs and struggles are felt deeply.
Parenting is hard, and once upon a time I thought that statement was referring to the pregnancy, delivery, sleepless night and aching back from carrying them around. I thought it was hard when they threw tantrums in public places, misbehaved when they knew better and embarrassed me in a thousand different ways. I thought parenting was hard when I would see the cost of sports and the destruction they could do to a clean house in minutes. I thought parenting was hard the first time two kids took stomach flu and I realized *I* had to clean up that mess.
However, my journey of motherhood took a little detour from my mother’s and I had to travel down a different road my my oldest son, Peter, and his diagnosis of autism. I cannot say it is a lonely path, as my husband and our families have been beside me every step. But I was navigating a different path of parenthood. I was feeling a heartbreak for a child who struggles with daily life and a level of helplessness.
I have watched him battle through this disorder, I have watched him break down barriers and I have watched him paralyzed within his own mind. I have raged against this disorder, I have felt bitter, angry, hopeful, exasperated and we have seen the beauty and humour.
There are days when the autism rules our life and other days we forget it exists, it is our normal.
This month, our family was shaken with the formal diagnosis of why little Cecilia isn’t speaking like others her age. Why she sometimes gets a little ‘quirky’. Why the tantrums were getting worse, more frequent.
After many hours, many tests, many doctors and specialists we were told that we will be travelling down a familiar road as she is also autistic.
Sitting there with those kind and sympathetic women who had to break this news to me…I kept praying they would tell me she was just needing more speech therapy and maybe I was hyper-focused on a diagnosis because of my oldest and maybe being too sensitive to funny little personality traits. I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach and when the words were spoken it was painful but at the same time thankful we had an answer.
We know this road, we know it is not easy. There will be many challenges, bumps and achievements. Now we begin the path of finding the right therapies, finding the right tools and helping her with her world.
On days when she shuts down and doesn’t even grunt or yell a response, I know she is in there struggling to get out. I know in familiar and happy environments she blossoms and babbles and will gift us with a word or two (and then not say it again for many months but it is in there!).
Cecilia is funny and brilliant. She is sweet and challenging. She is loud and yet doesn’t say a word. She can communicate in her own way, we just don’t always understand.
As a mother I am shattered. Two of my five children are autistic. Two are special needs. I always gets asked, ‘How do you do it?’ Honestly, you just do. Laundry still needs to be washed, breakfasts made, fights to be broken up, babies to be cuddled. I try to remind myself it could be worse but for a little while we will grieve as a family while we absorb our new reality.
We will be okay. Every day we will get up as a family, go to work and school, suppers will be cooked, books read and movies watched. Our family is still our perfect family. Two of our children just happen to be autistic.
January 12, 2015
For over nine years I had a shadow, a buddy, a best friend. Where I walked in the house, he was a step away. When I worked as a dog groomer, he came to work with me daily. We travelled together, we walked together, we took quite a few naps together. I was one of the only standard poodle owners in my town and I am proud that he represented his breed beautifully. He was graceful and friendly. Smart as a whip, well trained, loved to please and could make us laugh with his goofy antics. He knew that babies and small little yorkies required gentleness not custom with large breeds. He joined our family when we had one baby and he eagerly treated the next four. He knew that he could produce belly laughs from toddlers when he would sit and push toy cars for them. He would patiently march behind a little girl, on a leash knowing, she was glowing because she was ‘walking the dog’. The day our autistic son ran away he sat under a tree in the yard pleading with us and we stupidly ignored him…only to discover an hour later our son was indeed up (two stories) in that tree. Every meal was eaten with him a few feet away, every morning he greeted us and every evening he said goodnight. The only time he would misbehave was when I would be away for a few days whether from hospital stays or travel for work but the moment I returned he would right himself.
He wagged his tail when we told him about about the new house, the big yard, the room he would have to run around and stretch his legs. One week in September, we talked about going that Saturday so he could see this dream home. he wagged his tail politely and went to lay back on his bed. He had been quieter that week and had developed a cough on Wednesday. So, a vet appointment was made. Crosby never did see the new house he passed away on Thursday from an aggressive cancer.
It took severals days to even bring myself to pick up his leash, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever pick up after him again.
‘Heartbroken’
I posted this image to the CMPro Daily Project, a way of expressing my grief and connecting with hundreds of other dog lovers. It is an image that still brings tears to my eyes.
Months have passed, we have moved and life has moved forward and the ache is duller, we laugh about his antics and how he enriched our lives.
A few days ago I saw the link for the 30 Most Popular Photos on the CM Daily Project and this photo was there, out of 8000 other photos from incredible photographers. I am proud, I am sad, it is a bittersweet moment.
It is one last gift from a dear friend.
For over nine years I had a shadow, a buddy, a best friend. Where I walked in the house, he was a step away. When I worked as a dog groomer, he came to work with me daily. We travelled together, we walked together, we took quite a few naps together. I was one of the only standard poodle owners in my town and I am proud that he represented his breed beautifully. He was graceful and friendly. Smart as a whip, well trained, loved to please and could make us laugh with his goofy antics. He knew that babies and small little yorkies required gentleness not custom with large breeds. He joined our family when we had one baby and he eagerly treated the next four. He knew that he could produce belly laughs from toddlers when he would sit and push toy cars for them. He would patiently march behind a little girl, on a leash knowing, she was glowing because she was ‘walking the dog’. The day our autistic son ran away he sat under a tree in the yard pleading with us and we stupidly ignored him…only to discover an hour later our son was indeed up (two stories) in that tree. Every meal was eaten with him a few feet away, every morning he greeted us and every evening he said goodnight. The only time he would misbehave was when I would be away for a few days whether from hospital stays or travel for work but the moment I returned he would right himself.
He wagged his tail when we told him about about the new house, the big yard, the room he would have to run around and stretch his legs. One week in September, we talked about going that Saturday so he could see this dream home. he wagged his tail politely and went to lay back on his bed. He had been quieter that week and had developed a cough on Wednesday. So, a vet appointment was made. Crosby never did see the new house he passed away on Thursday from an aggressive cancer.
It took severals days to even bring myself to pick up his leash, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever pick up after him again.
‘Heartbroken’
I posted this image to the CMPro Daily Project, a way of expressing my grief and connecting with hundreds of other dog lovers. It is an image that still brings tears to my eyes.
Months have passed, we have moved and life has moved forward and the ache is duller, we laugh about his antics and how he enriched our lives.
A few days ago I saw the link for the 30 Most Popular Photos on the CM Daily Project and this photo was there, out of 8000 other photos from incredible photographers. I am proud, I am sad, it is a bittersweet moment.
It is one last gift from a dear friend.
January 12, 2015
January 12, 2015
For over nine years I had a shadow, a buddy, a best friend. Where I walked in the house, he was a step away. When I worked as a dog groomer, he came to work with me daily. We travelled together, we walked together, we took quite a few naps together. I was one of the only standard poodle owners in my town and I am proud that he represented his breed beautifully. He was graceful and friendly. Smart as a whip, well trained, loved to please and could make us laugh with his goofy antics. He knew that babies and small little yorkies required gentleness not custom with large breeds. He joined our family when we had one baby and he eagerly treated the next four. He knew that he could produce belly laughs from toddlers when he would sit and push toy cars for them. He would patiently march behind a little girl, on a leash knowing, she was glowing because she was ‘walking the dog’. The day our autistic son ran away he sat under a tree in the yard pleading with us and we stupidly ignored him…only to discover an hour later our son was indeed up (two stories) in that tree. Every meal was eaten with him a few feet away, every morning he greeted us and every evening he said goodnight. The only time he would misbehave was when I would be away for a few days whether from hospital stays or travel for work but the moment I returned he would right himself.
He wagged his tail when we told him about about the new house, the big yard, the room he would have to run around and stretch his legs. One week in September, we talked about going that Saturday so he could see this dream home. he wagged his tail politely and went to lay back on his bed. He had been quieter that week and had developed a cough on Wednesday. So, a vet appointment was made. Crosby never did see the new house he passed away on Thursday from an aggressive cancer.
It took severals days to even bring myself to pick up his leash, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever pick up after him again.
‘Heartbroken’
I posted this image to the CMPro Daily Project, a way of expressing my grief and connecting with hundreds of other dog lovers. It is an image that still brings tears to my eyes.
Months have passed, we have moved and life has moved forward and the ache is duller, we laugh about his antics and how he enriched our lives.
A few days ago I saw the link for the 30 Most Popular Photos on the CM Daily Project and this photo was there, out of 8000 other photos from incredible photographers. I am proud, I am sad, it is a bittersweet moment.
It is one last gift from a dear friend.
January 10, 2015
In the spring, I called my sister to tell her I was pregnant and she didn’t respond for a couple of seconds and then squealed, ‘So am I!’. We had fun comparing notes of our pregnancies and she found out that her little one was going to be a baby girl (whereas I didn’t want to know the gender of my baby). Allison was born 2 months after my Rosalie and Samantha drove from Fredericton to my studio in Saint John. We had the new little cousins ‘meet’ and we began a session that involved plenty of laughs and delivery stories while both babies were equally cuddled by their aunts!
Little Allison is the spitting image of her older brother Joseph but unlike her brother she decided that she would sleep soundly for her session and rock every pose and setup. My sister’s one request the the moon prop and within only a few minutes we had that accomplished and moved on to create some earthy and dreamy photographs! After ever click of the camera I would hear over my shoulder, ‘Oh love her so much!’ and I couldn’t have agreed more!
I love that I am able to give this gift of newborn photography to my family! The best part? Being my family I can kiss these babies all I want.
In the spring, I called my sister to tell her I was pregnant and she didn’t respond for a couple of seconds and then squealed, ‘So am I!’. We had fun comparing notes of our pregnancies and she found out that her little one was going to be a baby girl (whereas I didn’t want to know the gender of my baby). Allison was born 2 months after my Rosalie and Samantha drove from Fredericton to my studio in Saint John. We had the new little cousins ‘meet’ and we began a session that involved plenty of laughs and delivery stories while both babies were equally cuddled by their aunts!
Little Allison is the spitting image of her older brother Joseph but unlike her brother she decided that she would sleep soundly for her session and rock every pose and setup. My sister’s one request the the moon prop and within only a few minutes we had that accomplished and moved on to create some earthy and dreamy photographs! After ever click of the camera I would hear over my shoulder, ‘Oh love her so much!’ and I couldn’t have agreed more!
I love that I am able to give this gift of newborn photography to my family! The best part? Being my family I can kiss these babies all I want.
January 10, 2015
January 10, 2015
In the spring, I called my sister to tell her I was pregnant and she didn’t respond for a couple of seconds and then squealed, ‘So am I!’. We had fun comparing notes of our pregnancies and she found out that her little one was going to be a baby girl (whereas I didn’t want to know the gender of my baby). Allison was born 2 months after my Rosalie and Samantha drove from Fredericton to my studio in Saint John. We had the new little cousins ‘meet’ and we began a session that involved plenty of laughs and delivery stories while both babies were equally cuddled by their aunts!
Little Allison is the spitting image of her older brother Joseph but unlike her brother she decided that she would sleep soundly for her session and rock every pose and setup. My sister’s one request the the moon prop and within only a few minutes we had that accomplished and moved on to create some earthy and dreamy photographs! After ever click of the camera I would hear over my shoulder, ‘Oh love her so much!’ and I couldn’t have agreed more!
I love that I am able to give this gift of newborn photography to my family! The best part? Being my family I can kiss these babies all I want.
December 29, 2014
The fall is always a photographer’s busiest season. Our clients want sessions during the fall foliage, they want to capture beautiful pictures of their little ones to give as Christmas gifts and combined with a bit of a baby boom, it felt a little bit crazy! To add to the mix my family was in the middle of a massive renovation and move. We left our small farmhouse for a larger home that would accommodate all of my little ones. the renovations was (is!) huge and I think I will be washing off drywall dust for 6 months but it was worth all the effort and the ongoing chaos.
As a photographer I am excited about this new home’s large windows. Our previous house was in a hollow, with trees surrounding the house. I will miss my tress but I won’t miss the fact that there were few windows that gave me enough light to play with. The new house is big, and light and makes my heart do little back flips with excitement.
My kids have been warned I will be stalking them over the winter months.
We are still adjusting to the big change, still trying to organize (not my forte), still trying to move our belongings out of boxes. I have yet to figure out which bus my kids will need to take or even where. I decided on the 23rd of this month that I was on vacation and had a nice little mental break which gave us time to enjoy our family and friends for the holidays and I had limited wifi. Slowly I will pace myself back to work but for now I will chase my kids around with my camera.
The fall is always a photographer’s busiest season. Our clients want sessions during the fall foliage, they want to capture beautiful pictures of their little ones to give as Christmas gifts and combined with a bit of a baby boom, it felt a little bit crazy! To add to the mix my family was in the middle of a massive renovation and move. We left our small farmhouse for a larger home that would accommodate all of my little ones. the renovations was (is!) huge and I think I will be washing off drywall dust for 6 months but it was worth all the effort and the ongoing chaos.
As a photographer I am excited about this new home’s large windows. Our previous house was in a hollow, with trees surrounding the house. I will miss my tress but I won’t miss the fact that there were few windows that gave me enough light to play with. The new house is big, and light and makes my heart do little back flips with excitement.
My kids have been warned I will be stalking them over the winter months.
We are still adjusting to the big change, still trying to organize (not my forte), still trying to move our belongings out of boxes. I have yet to figure out which bus my kids will need to take or even where. I decided on the 23rd of this month that I was on vacation and had a nice little mental break which gave us time to enjoy our family and friends for the holidays and I had limited wifi. Slowly I will pace myself back to work but for now I will chase my kids around with my camera.
December 29, 2014
December 29, 2014
The fall is always a photographer’s busiest season. Our clients want sessions during the fall foliage, they want to capture beautiful pictures of their little ones to give as Christmas gifts and combined with a bit of a baby boom, it felt a little bit crazy! To add to the mix my family was in the middle of a massive renovation and move. We left our small farmhouse for a larger home that would accommodate all of my little ones. the renovations was (is!) huge and I think I will be washing off drywall dust for 6 months but it was worth all the effort and the ongoing chaos.
As a photographer I am excited about this new home’s large windows. Our previous house was in a hollow, with trees surrounding the house. I will miss my tress but I won’t miss the fact that there were few windows that gave me enough light to play with. The new house is big, and light and makes my heart do little back flips with excitement.
My kids have been warned I will be stalking them over the winter months.
We are still adjusting to the big change, still trying to organize (not my forte), still trying to move our belongings out of boxes. I have yet to figure out which bus my kids will need to take or even where. I decided on the 23rd of this month that I was on vacation and had a nice little mental break which gave us time to enjoy our family and friends for the holidays and I had limited wifi. Slowly I will pace myself back to work but for now I will chase my kids around with my camera.
October 14, 2014
Elizabeth contacted me many months before her due date and I gave her the same warning as I did everyone else, I was due with my own baby only by a few weeks and there would be no guarantee that I could do the session. I suggested she get a back up but Elizabeth still kept in touch and as she went overdue and I realized my time was nearing I was less certain that it would happen.
When Miss Annie arrived I was still pregnant and so happy that Annie’s session would be a reality! I had the lovely Erica Mitchell assist me and Annie was as fresh as she could be! Only three days old and she was at the studio! The youngest baby I have ever professionally worked with and she was SOOOOO sweet.
A few days after her session my own little one arrived, at Elizabeth and Shawn’s ordering session, Annie had her first play date with Rosalie.
Thank you guys for being so flexible:) I am so glad we were able to coordinate the timing and able to capture this amazing beginning of your family!
Elizabeth contacted me many months before her due date and I gave her the same warning as I did everyone else, I was due with my own baby only by a few weeks and there would be no guarantee that I could do the session. I suggested she get a back up but Elizabeth still kept in touch and as she went overdue and I realized my time was nearing I was less certain that it would happen.
When Miss Annie arrived I was still pregnant and so happy that Annie’s session would be a reality! I had the lovely Erica Mitchell assist me and Annie was as fresh as she could be! Only three days old and she was at the studio! The youngest baby I have ever professionally worked with and she was SOOOOO sweet.
A few days after her session my own little one arrived, at Elizabeth and Shawn’s ordering session, Annie had her first play date with Rosalie.
Thank you guys for being so flexible:) I am so glad we were able to coordinate the timing and able to capture this amazing beginning of your family!
October 14, 2014
October 14, 2014
Elizabeth contacted me many months before her due date and I gave her the same warning as I did everyone else, I was due with my own baby only by a few weeks and there would be no guarantee that I could do the session. I suggested she get a back up but Elizabeth still kept in touch and as she went overdue and I realized my time was nearing I was less certain that it would happen.
When Miss Annie arrived I was still pregnant and so happy that Annie’s session would be a reality! I had the lovely Erica Mitchell assist me and Annie was as fresh as she could be! Only three days old and she was at the studio! The youngest baby I have ever professionally worked with and she was SOOOOO sweet.
A few days after her session my own little one arrived, at Elizabeth and Shawn’s ordering session, Annie had her first play date with Rosalie.
Thank you guys for being so flexible:) I am so glad we were able to coordinate the timing and able to capture this amazing beginning of your family!
September 18, 2014
I love pretty weddings. This year my wedding season was cut short due to a pregnancy but when Frankie and Julie asked me to capture their Lake Utopia wedding I jumped at the chance. Frankie has been good friends with my husband since they were little boys. Julie’s laid back attitude and infectious smile set the tone for the day. The wedding was held at her mother’s home on the shore of Lake Utopia and the weather could not have been more beautiful.
It was incredible to witness their joining. So much love from their family and friends. Everyone could not be more excited for this couple and their beautiful future that awaits them.
Thank you so much for allowing me to be your photographer.
I love pretty weddings. This year my wedding season was cut short due to a pregnancy but when Frankie and Julie asked me to capture their Lake Utopia wedding I jumped at the chance. Frankie has been good friends with my husband since they were little boys. Julie’s laid back attitude and infectious smile set the tone for the day. The wedding was held at her mother’s home on the shore of Lake Utopia and the weather could not have been more beautiful.
It was incredible to witness their joining. So much love from their family and friends. Everyone could not be more excited for this couple and their beautiful future that awaits them.
Thank you so much for allowing me to be your photographer.
September 18, 2014
September 18, 2014
I love pretty weddings. This year my wedding season was cut short due to a pregnancy but when Frankie and Julie asked me to capture their Lake Utopia wedding I jumped at the chance. Frankie has been good friends with my husband since they were little boys. Julie’s laid back attitude and infectious smile set the tone for the day. The wedding was held at her mother’s home on the shore of Lake Utopia and the weather could not have been more beautiful.
It was incredible to witness their joining. So much love from their family and friends. Everyone could not be more excited for this couple and their beautiful future that awaits them.
Thank you so much for allowing me to be your photographer.
